E

Alternative Ending

Those were the years we were madly in love with each other. Those were the years when we are young, unconscious of the things we do, contented with what we have, and happy with what we make. Those were the years we were troubled but never torn apart, rattled but never left each other out, and disappointed but never thought of parting ways.

I always believe that love forms a box that changes us from who we are before to what we will become, together. This box, although limiting, although cages us to the things we can do, is the same box that blankets us with amazing fire of love and shelters us from the whirlwind of devastation. It is the same box I never wanted to go out with.

The problem is not with the box. The problem is in the box. You are a non-settling individual. I hate conventions (and the box is not about conventions, it is about limitations). You don’t want to be caged because you thought you could love more. I thought that was bullshit. You thought I was right.

We agreed to continue this relationship outside the box.

The thing with living outside the box is that it is open to all possibilities. Nothing seems so impossible with this borderless world. You have your freedom and I have my fears. You translated my fears to reality and wanted to let go of me. Oh no, you wanted me to let you go.

I did.

Even if it hurts me. Even if I am not used to seeing you with someone else.

Because I love you and love is all about making sacrifices for the happiness of someone so important to you. What’s my pain if it makes you happy? People called me crazy. I prefer to be called sacrificial. I never bothered you again because I want you to embrace your freedom and I want you to live your life well.

If I had another chance to end this love story with you, I would want to end it without bitterness or pain or sacrifices. I want to end this with only clear intentions on mind, with real thoughts of wanting US—not only you or me, but the two of us, to be happy.

We reconciled the misunderstandings we had for the past two years. We said goodbye, held each other's hands for the last time, there were tears and smiles.

We openly accepted the fact that our togetherness brought nothing but hard times. Our relationship failed in almost every aspect because we desperately tried to make each other the “right fit” when we barely have similarities.

We have accepted the idea of going beyond the box that we made. There were so many possibilities this like could bring, and that our separation would open up more windows, even doors of opportunities in love and in life.

For the last time, we hugged each other, crying but with smiles, freely letting each other go.

But that was the ending we never had.

D

Another Dimension

(Writer's note: Forgive me if I have to repeat a letter in the alphabet. I just felt like I need to publish this as this includes another dimension of me and my [failed] love stories. I might be dumped so many times, but I was also happy at some point. This part of my story is a part where I'm starting to rebuild my life, the same way this guy did. This is an actual letter I never sent to the guy I'm in love with. But nothing's too late. And nothing's too soon.)

D, 

I know you've been hurt, so many times, and I know you’re afraid to love again because you think you’ll only get devastated.

The truth is, I've been through the same stories, D. I’ve loved someone so much, never left anything for myself, and when that someone left, all I felt was a deep hatred—to him, to me, to the world. I’ve been a total wreck and that has wounded my entirety. I felt I would never be the same again. But then again, I have to get up, pull my shits together, start anew, and fall in love again.

Because love is a cycle, D. The famous John Green even reminded us that we “don’t get choose to get hurt in this world, but we do have some say in who hurts us.” Love is a cycle, D. It is a never-ending process of happiness and pain, of victory and defeat, of love and loss.

I am not here to mend your broken heart—it will heal in its own way, in its own time. I am not here to promise you an “all-happy” relationship—because love is a cycle and we are part of it. I am here to offer a brand new kind of story—a story grounded by reality, bound by truth, and filled with many little stories we will share together.

We were both scarred in different ways, by different people, in totally different times, and our scars show how deeply we loved, how fully we gave, and how completely we surrendered. We will always be scarred again, maybe by each other, but I promise to leave a mark not the way the others did.

Here’s to many more stories we will weave, together.

V.

D

The Permanence of Temporary Feelings

We never had a deal; we never talked about where this thing is heading nor did we never decide to settle on something. But here it is—the usual pain I feel when somebody so important to me leaves – and here I am, alone and emotionally-broke because I invested so much time and effort when we were together.

                So many times you have been broken, and so many times I was there, always on call to give you a shoulder to lean on. I was your shock absorber and your daily dose of laughter—nothing I seemed to complain because it was the best thing I could do.

                The thing with you, though, is you have a short-term memory. You forgive and trust easily and that’s why you’re always abused. I actually don’t care about that fact; the thing I care about is when you forget about me when you are happy.

                Yes. You only remember me when you have nobody.

                And that’s why it kills me every time I see you—not because I am seeing you happy but because I am seeing you happy with the wrong person. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying I am the right one. All I am saying is that this person has hurt you so much that you have done things that adversely affected your life, and when she left you for a certain period of time, you almost killed yourself for not being so sure where your life was heading.

                And I was there—not to give your life direction—but to show you the paths you should cross. But you never trusted me on this, and I’m sad where you are right now.

                Until now I care so much about you, even if you never recognized me as somebody who can love you as much as you can do. It might have been a temporary feeling, but that feeling is permanently etched in my heart.

Here’s to the pain I am willing to feel—for you. 

C

Why We Fell Apart

There were only two instances where I can vividly remember having a real, sensible conversation with you: the moment you told me you love me and the time we had to let it go.

                We fell apart not because we weren't the right match. I always believed we were meant for each other. We were complementary. We fell apart because we thought we’re too comfortable with each other. We were free-flowing individuals and we had a relationship that’s transparent rather than confidential. Normally, we have fights, but abnormally people around us always intervene like our relationship is a game show that needs an opinion poll all the time.

                We fell apart because we understood the meaning of spark, which we only had for a very short moment. Maybe we rushed things out or maybe because we thought we’re going to be good together, but none of the reasons I tailored seem to fit to what we have been and who we have become.

                We fell apart because I was busy and you’ve got plenty of your time in your hands. You demanded something I cannot always give and I demanded for your understanding but you demanded freedom in return. We fell apart because your inferiority is superior to anything else in this world.

                We fell apart because you wanted our story to be ‘your’ story. Relationships are two stories being interwoven but that wasn’t the thing with us. You always wanted to tell your story when it was supposed to be ours.

                You were a trophy but never a prize. That’s how you ‘packaged’ yourself to me before and I have always believed that. But things differ in a blink of an eye and I just realized you were not the person I knew.

                We fell apart because I got tired of everything. Things just don’t fall into their proper places and everything is so messed up and cluttered and my life could not afford to be in this kind of scenario again and you never understood what commitment meant for me and you never actually did anything to save up this relationship. We’ve easily given up and we’re actually not afraid of losing anything along the way.

                Or maybe because nothing will be lost because once and for all, nothing was gained. We just placed a tag but we never bought it anyway.

                We thought relationships were about having a tag when it’s about having a commitment. We thought relationships are about telling a story when it’s about telling a story together. We thought it’s about independently growing when it’s growing as one.

                And that’s why we fell apart.

B

Baby,

You were the first guy I have been friends with in my college life. I never was into male friendships—specifically because I am afraid I might be discriminated by the “macho” stereotype of men in this patriarchal society. I didn't make many male friends in my high school days because the guys thought being friends with gay would make them gay as well. You know, their egos are bigger than their balls most, if not, all the time.

But you were there and you had the courage to befriend me. At first I was hesitant because I felt so awkward being your companion, and I was afraid this would go nowhere. But you stood by me through my ups and downs, and you were there in my victories and defeats. Thank you for that.

At this moment, four years have passed, and I am very happy that you've been a better version of yourself. I've seen you in your worse, and now I’m seeing you in good shape (although, not physically) and I am very confident you would unleash your full potential at the right time which is very soon.

And now I’m going to be honest with you. I love you from the very first time we knew each other and it pains me a lot to see you broken and shattered. It pains me more to see you committing the same mistakes over and over again, as if you never learned from your experiences. But maybe you thought life is a series of chances and I’m seeing life without Plan Bs, and that’s where the knot seems to loose.

I love you and there is no point of hiding it now, and I love you even if you don’t love me back. My love for you is the kind of love that is more concerned about you rather than us, and I know it sounds too good to be true, but that’s how I am feeling it in my heart.

And now we’ll be separated more than we were separated in college, and I am not sure where your path is heading, and I am not sure if our lives will ever cross again, but I know one thing for sure: I will always be here for you because you were there for me. You’re one of the best guys I have ever met in my life. I love you.

And I am wishing you happiness,

Baby. 

A

(or to Anyone who reads this)

You are not alone. Or maybe you are but you’re not the only one.

It was through my experiences that I am writing this blog full of emotional suicides and failed attempts to say something to someone I love. I don’t know what power the feeling of love has, but it is the only force that makes me silent all the time.

I've been to seven (failed) relationships. I say failed because none actually last for long (except the nonsense 2-year relationship with the guy in one of the Alphabet’s letters) and I actually hate that fact. No, let’s get it straight. Nobody likes short-term relationships especially in the time you feel like you’re going well. I don’t know where the problem was, but I’d like to believe it’s on me.

I am a very vocal person when it comes to practically everything. I’m always frank about the things I observe. One friend even suggested that I could use euphemisms but what for? I mean, people would rather get hurt by the things said straight than feel bad because they did not get the message across.

Like you, I always wanted to say the things I feel to the person I love. But how could I even say that when the end has already started? They say we fail to say things we want to say because we are so consumed of happiness. And when the parting, the separation comes, we regret every moment we wasted and wished we could have expressed everything. I wish I could have told my previous relationships how I love them and how I love the idea of being taken care of, and how I am mad at them being so silent about their feelings and how I felt when they make short replies on my messages.  

There are things I wanted to tell and I’m telling them now, through this blog.

This is a blog about the feelings I have failed to say, and I am doing this because I am alone.

And I’m not the only one.