G

The Distance Between Us

You were introduced to me by a friend some few months ago. It was the exact time when I feel really, really bad. I quitted my first job, I was trying to make both ends meet, I was thinking how I can pull my shits together. And then you came along. I told myself you were placed in the right time, and the right timing. I was very happy you came along. 

You were even twice my age, but hell, your maturity is what I'm looking for in a relationship. The relationship with a young is a relationship of problems and immaturities. When you came I thought you were heaven's sent - the answer to what I precisely need at the moment. 

We enjoyed the first few parts of building the bond together. You ask me about how my day was, and how I see things in the future. You were concerned about my mom who got sick and always pray that she'll be okay. You always remind me to eat my meals on time and never skip one. You'll get mad when you know I ate fast food and you keep telling me that health is the one thing I should consider the most precious. 

Then you introduced me to your mom, who is pretty much fun to converse with. We were at ease the first time we talked and she told me you were a responsible, loving guy. Hell, I can only say she was right, for I have felt your love. We shared the same visions, looked at the same star, gazed at the same sky. 

Despite the thousands of miles that separate our physical bodies, we managed to create that intimate connection. I was so happy because I never thought long distance relationships would actually kind of work, and it's kind of working for us. We concluded that there were two essential things to make this work: constant communication and sacrifice. Because we were at two different time zones, we had to stay awake early in the morning or even late at night to catch up. We never missed a day without updating each other with what we think and what we want to achieve. 

The relationship wasn't perfect. It has a lot of howevers. 

We were okay. However, we find the distance really limiting. You were that kind of person who wanted to have real interaction. You wanted to bring me to Scotland, or to London and visit some museums, but I just cannot leave my country because I am a hopeful nation-lover. You wanted me to be by your side when things get bad, however I cannot be there all the time. I also have my duties as a son, as an employee, and as a leader. 

Then you got fed up of the distance that divides us. You called it over because I wasn't able to reply to your calls or messages despite me explaining that I got so busy over the past few days. You called it over because you thought I wasn't willing to sacrifice anymore. 

And then I realized you weren't the matured guy I wanted. You weren't heaven's sent. You weren't that one person who would understand me and my flaws. You only saw what I can give, but never what I can get. 

That long distance that we thought a blessing became the curse. That distance between us became a haunting resolution. When people ask me what went wrong, I cannot say pinpoint anything but the distance between us. 

Perhaps the distance was a curse of the relationship we've had, but that same distance made me move on so fast nobody even noticed I got broken. 

That didn't mean I loved you less. 

That only meant I was ready to move on with life, despite being broken. 

F

False Farewell

You're the jerkest jerk I have ever known in my life. 

Four years ago, you've said your goodbye to our long relationship. You said I was "too perfect" for you and that you could never be any better than me and that you might just be loving me because of what I think and not because of who I am. I cannot understand why it took us that long for you to realize these things, but all I know is that your ego was too big to understand that relationships are not the same as competitions. This is not a quiz bee where you need to be smarter than me. 

You said your goodbye, and because I've always wanted happiness for the people I love (even if it would cost me my own happiness), I accepted it. I cried for few months and moved on with my life because it was over. 

I learned how to turn my pain into something beautiful by extracting the lessons from those memories, and by magnifying what went right. For a while, I was able to mingle with the world once again, and took roads that don't lead to love. I was trying to rechannel all my emotions to the things I do, and to the people who are currently staying in my life. 

And then you came back, apologizing for leaving me, saying sorry for not being with me in the times I needed you the most. You said you regret all those times you've became like your father, the person you never wanted to become. You were crying, over the phone, asking for another chance, another shot at being us. 

I'm the dumbest dumb I have ever known in my life. 

I've accepted you and your apologies. No second thoughts. That's how I loved you. I was ready to sacrifice all those beautiful things to help you rebuild your self. I was there to help you, every single day. You know why? Because you needed me. 

And then we're good again. You've redeemed your self and became the same guy I first knew, even better. I was so happy that you're okay and that you may have been lost, but you found your way back, and that's going back to me. 

Then again, those were pure drama. Pure lie. 

I rebuilt you to break my heart, again. This time, leaving without even saying goodbye. No replies to text messages, to emails, to calls, to any medium possible. You even deactivated your Facebook account. 

All I needed was a closure. A goodbye. 

Goodbyes give us assurance - one chapter is closed and another, in time, will open. The lack of it makes us wait  and believe that the story with the same person will continue. I waited for that closure, F. I waited too long. 

But you never did. And I decided I'm not holding on anymore. 

Fuck the world with no goodbyes. 

E

Alternative Ending

Those were the years we were madly in love with each other. Those were the years when we are young, unconscious of the things we do, contented with what we have, and happy with what we make. Those were the years we were troubled but never torn apart, rattled but never left each other out, and disappointed but never thought of parting ways.

I always believe that love forms a box that changes us from who we are before to what we will become, together. This box, although limiting, although cages us to the things we can do, is the same box that blankets us with amazing fire of love and shelters us from the whirlwind of devastation. It is the same box I never wanted to go out with.

The problem is not with the box. The problem is in the box. You are a non-settling individual. I hate conventions (and the box is not about conventions, it is about limitations). You don’t want to be caged because you thought you could love more. I thought that was bullshit. You thought I was right.

We agreed to continue this relationship outside the box.

The thing with living outside the box is that it is open to all possibilities. Nothing seems so impossible with this borderless world. You have your freedom and I have my fears. You translated my fears to reality and wanted to let go of me. Oh no, you wanted me to let you go.

I did.

Even if it hurts me. Even if I am not used to seeing you with someone else.

Because I love you and love is all about making sacrifices for the happiness of someone so important to you. What’s my pain if it makes you happy? People called me crazy. I prefer to be called sacrificial. I never bothered you again because I want you to embrace your freedom and I want you to live your life well.

If I had another chance to end this love story with you, I would want to end it without bitterness or pain or sacrifices. I want to end this with only clear intentions on mind, with real thoughts of wanting US—not only you or me, but the two of us, to be happy.

We reconciled the misunderstandings we had for the past two years. We said goodbye, held each other's hands for the last time, there were tears and smiles.

We openly accepted the fact that our togetherness brought nothing but hard times. Our relationship failed in almost every aspect because we desperately tried to make each other the “right fit” when we barely have similarities.

We have accepted the idea of going beyond the box that we made. There were so many possibilities this like could bring, and that our separation would open up more windows, even doors of opportunities in love and in life.

For the last time, we hugged each other, crying but with smiles, freely letting each other go.

But that was the ending we never had.

D

Another Dimension

(Writer's note: Forgive me if I have to repeat a letter in the alphabet. I just felt like I need to publish this as this includes another dimension of me and my [failed] love stories. I might be dumped so many times, but I was also happy at some point. This part of my story is a part where I'm starting to rebuild my life, the same way this guy did. This is an actual letter I never sent to the guy I'm in love with. But nothing's too late. And nothing's too soon.)

D, 

I know you've been hurt, so many times, and I know you’re afraid to love again because you think you’ll only get devastated.

The truth is, I've been through the same stories, D. I’ve loved someone so much, never left anything for myself, and when that someone left, all I felt was a deep hatred—to him, to me, to the world. I’ve been a total wreck and that has wounded my entirety. I felt I would never be the same again. But then again, I have to get up, pull my shits together, start anew, and fall in love again.

Because love is a cycle, D. The famous John Green even reminded us that we “don’t get choose to get hurt in this world, but we do have some say in who hurts us.” Love is a cycle, D. It is a never-ending process of happiness and pain, of victory and defeat, of love and loss.

I am not here to mend your broken heart—it will heal in its own way, in its own time. I am not here to promise you an “all-happy” relationship—because love is a cycle and we are part of it. I am here to offer a brand new kind of story—a story grounded by reality, bound by truth, and filled with many little stories we will share together.

We were both scarred in different ways, by different people, in totally different times, and our scars show how deeply we loved, how fully we gave, and how completely we surrendered. We will always be scarred again, maybe by each other, but I promise to leave a mark not the way the others did.

Here’s to many more stories we will weave, together.

V.